As Valentine's day approaches, I see students searching for 2 things: Some one to spend that day with, or a way to break up with their honey's so they don't have to shell out the major cash on that totally commercialized, totally frivolous holiday. Now before you start hating on me please understand, I WILL be buying my wife something! I'm not a complete reject of a romanticized husband! I don't, however, think that whatever I get, or do for my wife on February 14th has any bearing on the intimacy level of our marriage. Let me explain to you why this is:
A while ago, long before I ever met my wife I made a decision. I had had several failed relationships end ugly, mostly because I was immature to an exponential level. I became frustrated, and disenchanted by my pursuit of a wife. You see I had a vision of what God was going to give me for a wife. I went as far as to make a laundry list of the characteristics I was expecting from my future mate. (I know, I know...here's my man card, that's such a chick thing to do.) My dating habits were controlled by these variables, and I dated some fantastic young ladies. I dated a college varsity tennis player (athletic) who was the youth intern at her church (youth ministry minded). I dated a missionary who had just spent 2 years overseas serving God in Germany, who also was a former Praise Team member at Falls Creek (music ministry minded). I dated just about everything in between, and yet I couldn't force myself to love any of these fantastic women! I wanted to know what was wrong with them...and or me! It was then I recalled a conversation I had with one Julie Johnson. She had been the first in the string of unsuccessful relationships, and still one of my good friends. She made a statement in the phone conversation we had when I was breaking up with her. She said "you've got a hole in your heart, and you are trying to stuff me into it. Until you've fixed that hole, nobody will ever be enough for you, and you will keep shoving things in there and hurt both of you." She was a 17 year old senior in high school, and was speaking wisdom into my life like few others have...and she was right. Unfortunately I was far too hard headed to listen. So I finally took her advice and set out to fix the hole, so I turned to Scripture. I scoured the Bible, reading EVERY verse and passage that mentioned love. I desperately wanted to know what God's standard was for me! It was through that study that God astounded me. I realized God never SAID "I love you". But I found passages like this:
Romans 5:8
But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
Deuteronomy 6:5
Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.
John 3:16
5 1 Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children 2 and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.
For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.
Galatians 2:20
I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives
in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.
Ephesians 5:1-2
1 John 3:16, 18
16 This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters.
18 Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth.
Do you see it? To quote my teen idols DC Talk "Luv is a Verb" I had been talking the talk for a very long time. Long enough to be pretty smooth. Long enough to get some great women to fall for me even though I had invested very little of myself into that relationship. I knew that had to change. That was when a challenge came about. I challenged my students at the time in the youth ministry of Addington Baptist Church to commit with me to NEVER say "I Love You" to a person of the opposite sex until somebody was down on one knee. That seems like a silly thing. But I was convinced that this was God's standard. God's love is demonstrative, not passive. His love is active and true, not frivolous and temporary. From that point on I committed to love my future mate before I met them. Now, before some of you turn me off because I'm getting a little too Josh McDowell on you hear me out! I did date other girls before I met Lindsey. I was very upfront about my commitment. The cool thing about it was I knew with Lindsey. God set inside the freedom to tell her something at the outset of our dating relationship. I had told each girl I had dated between the time of my commitment and the time I met Lindsey that I would not be telling them I loved them until I had a ring in my pocket, but God led me to add something when I had this conversation with Lindsey. I told her: "I will not tell you I love you until I have a ring in my pocket, because I want you to know I love you long before I have to say it. That's exactly how it played out. I was in the youth room washing her feet as a part of my discipleship lesson, and after I had washed her feet I prayed for her, and after I said I amen, I looked up and said "I Love You" and handed her a ring. She didn't know the engagement was coming, but she KNEW I loved her.
I don't have this whole marriage thing figured out. I'm not as romantic as I probably should be (read as romantic as my wife wishes I were). But I hope that my intentional love for my wife and my boys is evident. Not so that I can feel good as a husband and father, but because that is the standard I've been called to! Love is a decision we make each moment of each day. It doesn't just happen, that's emotion (if your a teenager it's even more hormones), it's conscientious. I challenge anyone who is still searching, or has had failed relationships in the past, try my little challenge out! You may be surprised the results! And let us love one another as Christ first loved us!
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